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Blades of Glory

was fuckin hilarious! I cant remember when the last time I laughed so hard for so long.

Actually I do remember a time, but I had to have done it sometime between then and now. It would be too sad to think it was that long ago. The time I remember was two houses ago.

It was a dingy place. Battleship grey walls and dark wood paneling. Not the best place to be in after a divorce but hey it was cheap, allowed me to have my two cats and it was out of my mother's.

I was watching the 8th season of Red Dwarf. I think the title was Polly the Dinosaur. It has been that long ago. I laughed so hard I fell off the futon I was using as a couch. I was laughing so hard my ribs and stomach hurt when I was doing it and the next day. Oh but what I high that was. Just thinking about that episode makes me grin. I will have to dig out that tape.

I have felt other forms of joy though. My life has not been all gloom and doom. I have had other special moments. I have read articles from columnists that have left me with a shit eating grin all day. I have had emails that have done the same thing. Even phone calls. Hanging out with friends, after leaving my group meetings. All of these have brought me joy in my life, esp when I needed it the most.

Rituals have given me that euphoric rush. My first Beltane ritual. That was beautiful. I will always remember that one. That is why I love Beltane so much. I love the fact it is coming soon but also disappointed at myself mostly.

I would love to be able to sever ties with my ex this next dark moon then dedicate myself to myself, to new beginnings. It would be perfect esp since Beltane is the marriage of the Lord and Lady. To have a sacred marriage to myself would be beyond words right now.

With everything that is going on, there is no way I could put together or put enough energy towards the severing ritual. It is less than two weeks. Too much to research too much in too short of a time. I dont want to rush through this. I deserve better than that, I deserve a clean break not a half assed one.

He kinda has fucked with my head, there was at one time many years ago that there was a two year period that we did not have sex. It was a very dry period then. I was at a very low point. I got back together with him because, hey he at least wants me, no one else does. Anyway after we had sex, I broke down crying. Mainly because he told me it was going to be a one time thing and I got nothing out of it cause I was trying to keep control of my emotions. Obviously it did not work.

And he kept talking, he tried to make me feel better but it just made it worse. I blocked him out for a bit but not before the words "cant soulmates just be friends?" Obviously it has not been a one time thing. Also those words have been haunting me for years.

What if it is true. It would explain why I was able to tell him my sexual fantasies with two weeks after we met. I had never even been that open to my ex-husband. The reason I was so deeply, sexually attracted to him so soon. Was that biological or because we are soulmates? It took a year before we actually slept together but still, the attraction was there.

Do I want to destroy any future lives where perhaps it might actually be better? Do I want to destroy the link and have us floating out there without the possibility to have connections in our next lives? It is these things that I have to think about.

Or do we have more than one soulmate?

And once I do dedicate to myself, how do I keep myself from falling into the same pattern. I already see it. I see myself being attracted to and attracting the wrong guys. Usually the guys that are attacted to me are married. I guess I have "desperate" stamped on my forehead. I was on a business trip once. It was me and this guy. This guy was married. When we were done with what we had to do he invited me to his room so we could "get to know eachother better". I said no. Also the next day when we were eating breakfast the waitress brought up that we looked like a lovely couple, he did not correct her. I was glad I was going home that afternoon.

Right now I find myself attracted to this other guy, I know he is attracted to me only because he was staring at my chest the one time he was at my house and we were talking. I think of myself attracted to him because I am thinking "yes, see he is attracted to you, go for it". Although he uses me for other reasons than sex. I have one way relationship with him as well. I have to keep myself out of those ones.

But that is my Serpent. I must actually stick with these types of guys because obviously I am not attractive enough to get a good guy, nice guy. I dont go out because I am afraid of that rejection, I cant get rejected if I am not out there meeting people. I have gotten enough rejection as it is from those on-line dating services.

But I have to remember that these guys are up there all the time. Everytime I would get back on-line the same guys were still on the boards. They are the issue not me. I am an attractive person. I have to see it in their faces instead of putting up the blind eye because I think that it is not possible. Or being afraid that is possible and trying to keep myself from being hurt again. I cant live like that. It is not healthy to live like that. I put myself out here at work and get burned, why cant I allow myself to do that in my personal life. But then again I cant get a STD by being open an honest at work. I can by having sex with someone. That scares me the most about dating and starting a new relationship. I am clean and I want to stay that way.

I am trying to keep myself from crying while I type this up. I unfortunately consider crying as a weakness. Sad but true. I did it to myself. I would always think that I lost when I ended up crying infront of my mother when we had an argument. I dont know where I got it from but I know I have always felt that way. Even with my most trusted sisters, it is hard to cry infront of them. I can cry infront of my real sister, esp at sad movies but my spiritual sisters. I end up stopping a quickly as I start. I trained myself to well. It is probably why I get so attached or obsessed with certain songs. They allow me to feel. I have put so many walls up to protect myself that it is hard to actually show emotion, other than anger.

I want to try to rip down some of those walls. I feel joy through music. I need to feel joy on my own. I need to bring joy into my life, or find joy. It needs to be easy and not fleeting.

It is all about my process to be completely in love with life. I have made that my personal goal and I would like to reach for that no matter how long it takes.

I am not going to look for spelling mistakes. The spell checker is a pain and this is way to long to find everything. So sorry in advance :-)

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